Babies

I really need to redo the photos on here.  That header?  Those kids don’t even exist any more.  Reagan has been through three hair colors since then, pierced her nose and added three tattoos (that I know of).  Hayden looks like a baby up there.  He’s probably six inches taller and has a beard for heaven’s sake.  Faith has probably grown that much too - her height I mean.  She doesn’t have a beard.

But a new header featuring my kids means all three in the same place at the same time in an agreeable mood with a photographer present.

So the header stays.

But here are updates on their lives:

That’s my favorite recent photo from Reagan’s Facebook page.  I haven’t seen her in person since August.  The cat is Persephone and is technically her roommate’s but they co-parent the cats.  Caspian is still alive and kicking … literallyReagan is a junior+.  If she sticks the “get me the heck out of college ASAP” schedule she’s set for herself, she will graduate next December.  I kind of wonder what the hurry is.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that her boyfriend lives in L.A., but she says she’s just ready to get on with life and quit paying money to take dumb classes that she isn’t interested in but that a Liberal Arts degree requires.

A valid point.

In addition to the 15 credit hours she’s taking, she has a waitressing job and coaches a high school Slam Poetry team.  She’s also still heavily involved in Slam herself.  In August she went to Nationals in Oakland and competed for the Nebraska team.  The aforementioned boyfriend helps run a YouTube channel so she also gets roped into helping film events which she likes to do as it involves travel, Slam and the boyfriend.  

She’s kind of busy.  I marvel at all she juggles and miss her terribly.

This is a picture I took of Hayden when we dropped him off in August.  He does not participate in social media so I don’t have anything more recent.

Nor do I have any more than mere scraps of info about his life in college.  Here is what I do know:

• He has a roommate.  I guess they get along ok because I haven’t heard otherwise.
• The food in the residence hall is good.
• He’s going to class, not chronically oversleeping as I feared. This fact has been confirmed by other sources as well.
• He doesn’t like his Soils class.  I can’t imagine liking an entire class about dirt either.
• He says his grades are good.

That’s it.  That’s all I’ve got.  I need to see the boy soon as he’s much more forthcoming in person.

Faith is stuck up here in Minnesota with us.  That means she’s doing a LOT of adapting.  Adapting to a new town, new school, new dance studio, new church, new friends, new home, new dog … 

It’s a lot of adapting.

Most days she does pretty well, but I strongly suspect that if we were to pack up and move back to Lincoln tomorrow she would be thrilled.

Since that is not a choice, we keep pressing on.  That picture is from Homecoming.  She had vehemently decided to not go.  The thought of walking into the dance where she still didn’t know very many people (it was the second week of school) was overwhelming.  At diner the night of the dance she was scowling into her plate at dinner time, hating life. However, the young ladies who have befriended her kept bugging her until, an hour before the dance started, she decided to go.

Of course, shopping for a new dress was an impossibility so she pulled out one we bought a couple of months ago, brushed her hair, threw on some make up and was ready to go. (The friends in the athletic gear were dressed for the black lights.)

Oh to be 14 and lovely enough to pull off a trick like that.

Faith turns 15 on Saturday, which means that this post should definitely NOT be titled “Babies” but … 

that is what they will always be to me.

You All Should Start A Betting Pool On How Long I Stick With This

In an attempt to get back into the blogging habit, I am shamelessly copying Joyce by participating in the 31 Day Challenge using the writing prompts from Five Minute Friday.  It is important to note:

1. I have not read through the 31 Day challenge AT ALL so if I’m doing it wrong, that’s why.
2. I may or may not use the writing prompts every day.  I’m going to start with them, and then we’ll see how it goes.
3. I’ve already missed the first day, so I’m going to use BOTH prompts today.  You may interpret that as genius or laziness.  

The prompt for yesterday was Calling and the prompt for today is Family.  Setting my timer for 5 minutes and …

If I were feeling terribly spiritual I’d go with that kind of calling and apply it to my family, but I’m not so I’m going to talk about actually calling.  Like on the phone.  I like to talk on the phone.  I especially like it when I’m tackling an unpleasant chore because talking distracts me from scrubbing or folding laundry and makes it fun.  Some of my family members are good about talking on the phone.  My mom is always up for a chat and if I can catch my sister when she isn’t shuttling kids to activities, she will talk with me for a while.

My kids?

Not so much.  Reagan does a pretty good job, but she’s so busy between work and school and coaching high school Slam Poetry teams that it’s hard to get her for more than a few minutes.  I try though because I just love to hear her voice.  Texting is fine, but doesn’t fulfill my mama need to hear my kid.

Hayden, on the other hand, is phone phobic.  It’s killing me.  He will answer the phone if I call, but then I just get monosyllabic answers to my questions and I can just tell that he’s dying to get off.  I’m sure that’s typical of boys as his dad and my dad are the same but I’m just dying for a meaty conversation with that kid.  Makes me anxious to see him in person!

Five minutes are up and I’m not done, but I’m going to stick to the rules today because I actually do have things to do.

Until tomorrow … or not. ;)

What I Would Tell Myself in 2002

You guys.

Right this very minute, my kitchen is cleaner and more organized than it has been in 15 years.

My secret?

I boxed up most of the contents and put them in a storage unit and slapped down a whole bunch of shelf liner.  Only 23 more items on the checklist and we can get this house listed.  Which means I have projects looming.

Which means I’m in high anxiety mode.

Which means I’m procrastinating!

So I was delighted to receive an email from a reader this morning because it has given me an excuse to park myself on my bed with the cats and blog which is so much better than painting.  This email (which I’ve edited to protect identity) said,

My son was recently kicked from preschool which sent us down the winding road of therapies and psychiatrists and lead us to ADHD … Would you mind sharing with me any tips or tricks? I have a baby on the way and I’m overwhelmed with how to manage him in the midst of all this. 

Oh goodness.  That word, “overwhelmed” brings back memories.

I’ve written about Hayden’s ADHD in the past.  Now I’m getting ready to celebrate his high school graduation and send him to college.  Here he is heading to prom last week.

From this spot, I have to say that all in all, raising a kid with ADHD isn’t all that different than raising one without it.  There are (many) days when I’ve enjoyed him and (a few) when I really didn’t.  He’s had successes and failures and some tasks he really struggles with while other things come easy to him.  I’ve laughed with him and cried for him and prayed over him.

I could say exactly the same thing about my kids who don’t have ADHD.

But for this sweet reader’s sake, I will share what I wish I had known when he was a preschooler:

1) Don’t let yourself get embarrassed.  It’s so hard when your kid is the one who is always causing a ruckus and misbehaving to not flush deep red and start apologizing.  Don’t.  Don’t let yourself feel shame over the way your kid is wonderfully and perfectly made.  If he makes a mess or hurts someone, clean it up and apologize just like you would for any other kid and move on.  Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed or like you have a “bad” kid because your sweet baby will feel that shame and catch on that there’s something “wrong” with him.

There’s nothing “wrong”.  There’s just something different and that’s ok.  Breathe.  Embrace who he is and help him become the best version of himself with what he’s been given.

2)  Structure, structure, structure.  Hayden thrives when he knows what his parameters are.  He needs a schedule to follow, deadlines to adhere to and predictability.  When situations are open ended or expectations are not clearly defined, he flounders.  Set a tight schedule for wake time, meals, snacks and bedtime and adhere to it whenever possible.  Follow routines as much as possible - you’ll see a difference.

3)  Don’t set yourself up for failure.  For years, we did not eat out at restaurants.  Expecting Hayden to sit still and keep quiet for a meal in the midst of the sensory overload that restaurants provide was too frustrating for everyone involved.  We ordered in or got take out but rarely went to a sit down restaurant to eat because he just got into trouble and I got angry.

If there are situations your child doesn’t do well avoid them.  Generally, these are places and times that involve a lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of excitement and not much structure where a rambunctious kid is going to get into trouble.  Go to zoos, not museums.  Plan a quick escape route from the family reunion.  Movies at home are going to be a better bet than the theater.

4) Work with your school.  ADHD kids are hard to have in a classroom.  They just are.  Hayden probably would have benefited from being homeschooled, but he got me for a mom so that didn’t happen.  The best I could do was to team with his teachers to make the best situation I could for him.  A good IEP or 504 plan are beneficial here to make sure everyone is on the same page.

5)  Make sure you have a plan to take care of yourself.  If you are tired and frustrated, you’re not going to be the best mom you can be for any of your kids, but especially for your kid who may be the source of the frustration and fatigue.  Figure out how you can recharge.  Put on a movie or a video game and take 30 minutes for yourself to read a book or take a shower or journal or get a quick nap in.  

Find a person or people who get it and hang out with them.  I was fortunate enough to have a friend or two with kids in the same boat.  If you don’t, maybe find an online group.  Find somewhere where you can vent and talk things through with people who won’t judge because they’ve been there.  Avoid the judgmental people who seem to have all the answers to your problems.  They may mean well, but at the end of the day they just add to “overwhelmed”.  

I hope this helps my reader and anyone else who is on this wonderful journey of raising the most energetic kid on the block.

When Boys Are Easier Than Girls

When you are raising both genders, you occasionally get that question: “Which are easier to raise, boys or girls?”

The answer depends on the child and the day and your temperament.  You also need to factor in patience levels, tolerance for stink vs. overly perfumed, how much you’ve had to drink and … well the variables are endless.

But there is one occasion when I can unequivocally state that boys are easier than girls:

Prom.

To find a girl’s outfit for prom you shop.  And then you shop.  

And shop some more, until finally… you shop.

Then you buy the dress.

Next you have to shop for shoes.  Then you shop for accessories.  You also shop for makeup.

Then you drop her off so she can shop with her friends.

With the boy, you walk into a tux shop and discuss the six options - all of which come with shoes and accessories.  Thirty minutes later you walk out with a complete outfit.

The day of the prom, girls start early.  We went with paying someone to do the hair, but doing it yourself takes just as long.  There are also nails to be painted and re-painted and a painstaking session with make up.

My son spent exactly thirty minutes, to shower and shave.

It only took that long because he went all out and washed his hair twice.

Hayden did not take any particular date.  He went with a group of friends which was a smart move, because guess who planned the whole outing?

The girls of course.

They picked the restaurant and the locations for the photographs.  They decided where to be and when to be there.

They even tried to tell the boys who would be doing the driving.

Telling boys what to do with their cars is where the line is drawn apparently.

Look at those girls.  Aren’t they lovely?

The girls spent fifteen minutes grouping and posing and regrouping and taking photos from all angles.

While the boys?

The boys stood off to the side and played with the sword that belonged to the guy who decided to go to prom dressed as a pirate.

I couldn’t get a straight answer as to why he was dressed as a pirate.  I’ll say this though: he owned it.  He wore that pirate costume with bold swagger.

I never did decide whether to be impressed or alarmed.

So go ahead:  ask me which is easier to raise - boys or girls.

The answer this week is definitively BOYS.

Of Note

1) Today is Hayden’s birthday.  He is seventeen which is a very bizarre thought to me until he walks over and, looming above me, begins to speak in his deep voice.

Also?

Just about every time I look at him, he needs to shave.

So I guess it’s good that he’s seventeen because he’s be an awfully scary looking ten year old.

2) While it’s not technically a birthday present, he does have a new-to-him car.  It’s much more suited to a gigantic teenage boy than the Prius was, but he’s mourning the loss of gas mileage.  The Prius is now with Reagan at college.  I thought that meant we might see her a bit more.

Nope.

That’s ok.  I have Instagram so I can creep on her any old time I choose.

3) Faith and I finished painting the paneling in the family room.  Like most of the things in life that I put off doing because I dread the process, I truly regret not doing it sooner.  It looks amazing.  As Faith said, “It’s amazing what a bucket of white paint can do.”

 I’ll put off posting a wide shot until the walls are painted, but here are the bookshelves on either side of the fireplace:

I love them.

Love.

I’m a bit at a loss about the actual mantle though.  

I don’t what to put on/above it.  I have the knick-knacky objects in the shelves so I don’t want more of that.  The paneling squares on the wall mean that hanging a picture is kind of out.

Or is it?

I don’t know.  All of my (limited) decorating skills come from watching too much HGTV and they’re really into tiling fireplace surrounds right now so that’s no help.

Thoughts?

4) Three more days until spring break.  Three looooooong days.

5) Can we have spring break if we’re still freezing to death?  If there’s not even a hint of a daffodil in the yard? If robins are nowhere to be seen?

6) Right now I should be scrubbing base boards and taping them off to start painting tomorrow.  I’m kinda tired of painting though.

7) But I’m more tired of living in a half finished project.  

That’s all I’ve got today.  Any advice on the fireplace situation is welcome!